Dear younger Lane,
Looking ahead at the unknown, you will find that this journey is filled with challenges, emotions, and growth. At times, you will feel angry—wondering why it has to be your children who are deafblind and not you. At times, you will feel sad and alone. Other times, you will feel strong and surprise yourself with the resilience you never knew you had.
As a specialist in special education research focused on families, I’ve had the privilege of hearing from so many parents who have shared their own journeys of grief, conflict, advocacy, and navigating the complexities of the education system. One common thread always stood out: At the end of it all, each of these parents emerged stronger. They became not only more capable of supporting their own families but also a resource for others walking a similar path.
You will feel that way too. Over the years, you will hold many roles, but the most important and meaningful one will always be being a mom. Yes, you will go back and earn your PhD in Special Education because you want more tools in your toolkit—to help your own family and others. But looking back, you will realize that the most valuable lessons do not come from a textbook or a PhD program. They came from lived experience.
Sometimes, it will be hard to see how these skills relate to your career, but they will help you in many ways. The resilience, leadership, advocacy, and problem-solving you develop as a mother will also shape your professional work, making you a more effective researcher, educator, and mentor to other families navigating similar challenges. More importantly, these experiences will help you embrace who you are, trust your intuition, and recognize the unique strengths you bring to the world.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Don't be afraid. Fear will try to hold you back, but trust yourself—you are more capable than you think.
You are stronger than you ever imagined. Looking back, you have accomplished things you never thought possible.
You can’t do things alone, and asking for help is okay. Asking for help does not mean you are a failure or incapable. We all need support, and trying to do it alone can be isolating.
Grief is not a linear process. It ebbs and flows, sometimes when you least expect it. The best thing you can do is accept it when it comes.
Let your kids be kids and don’t get consumed by the future. Worrying too much about what’s ahead can cause you to miss the special and important moments happening right now.
Give yourself grace. It’s okay not to have all the answers.
Not everyone will understand your situation, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Sometimes, people just don’t know how to relate.
You will witness inequities. Your children—and you—will be treated unfairly at times. More often than not, it stems from ignorance rather than malice. Educating others can be a powerful tool for change.
Community is vital. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community makes all the difference.
Perspective changes everything. What once felt impossible now feels like just another step forward. Life is unpredictable, but learning to adapt has been one of my greatest strengths.
I am writing this as a letter to you, my younger self, as I step back from leadership in the deafblind community and focus on my family while my youngest nears high school graduation. It is a moment to reflect on where we’ve been and to reassure you—everything you worry about now will one day make sense. It is a time to reflect on how far we’ve come and to develop plans for what is next—both for me and for them. This transition is bittersweet, but it also feels like a natural and necessary step in embracing this next chapter of my life.
Through this journey, I have developed empathy, deep knowledge, and a nurturing, helping spirit that I never thought possible. Although this path has been challenging, it has also been incredibly rewarding. These experiences as a mom have made my life richer and more complete in ways I never could have imagined.
I have developed leadership skills, grit, and the ability to fiercely advocate. I have become a seeker of knowledge, an expert multitasker, and a storyteller. These skills have shaped not only my personal journey but also my ability to help others. I have learned so much from helping others, and in doing so, I have grown in ways I never expected. I have learned to better accept things I cannot control, be more flexible, see people in new ways, and feel more deeply. I have learned to find joy in the small moments, to celebrate progress instead of perfection, and to trust that even in uncertainty, I am exactly where I am meant to be.
One day, you will love the person you become even more than the person you are today. You will find strength in ways you never expected, and you will grow into someone you are truly proud of.
The challenges, the lessons, and the growth have all shaped me into someone I am truly proud of.
For all the struggles, you will not want to change this path. It will shape you into the person you are meant to be, and for that, you will be profoundly grateful. Love, Lane
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