Last night I was finally ready - ready to get back on my horse - literally and figuratively. I moved out of my ranch back in December to my own apartment and I haven’t been brave enough to ride my horse ever since. In this blog I will share my experience and journey with having horses in my life, what I learned about myself through the process, the fears I had, and how I overcame them.
Three years ago Todd and I bought a ranch in Washington state, just outside of Seattle. I knew immediately when I saw it that I was “home”. Todd did everything possible to make my dreams a reality and for that I’m forever grateful. He and I, with a friend's help, jumped in with two feet buying horses. What could be better than one horse? SIX!
Looking back now, I just chuckle. If only we had video of our first days owning horses. No one had any experience with horses, outside of riding them at a dude ranch. Whatever could go wrong? I had no idea what a halter was, how to remain safe around horses, how to care for them, and absolutely no idea how to ride. All I knew was that I had this pull to figure it out.
My early days of figuring this all out are sort of a blur. I recall being so nervous about how to do this. I hate not knowing how to do something - I always have. I’m not patient about learning things and I am a perfectionist. I don’t like failing. Well, let me tell you - I had to get over this quickly because it is very humbling to fall off and get a concussion.
I was deathly afraid of getting back on my horse after that fall. It literally took me six months to get back on. And when I did, I pretty much did not ride at all - I just did some yoga and meditation poses on the horses, trying to breathe and get my anxiety in check.
Ultimately I did a crash course in horseback riding, two weeks before Hunter and I were supposed to head out on a trip of a lifetime to Ireland to horseback ride around the Ring of Kerry. I ultimately did make it on that trip and through some miracle I survived and learned a lot about horseback riding, humility, and my limitations, along the way.
I realized early on that my horse could feel all of my emotions - and I mean all of them. I remember my trainer telling me this and I did my very best to relax and be present when I went to the barn. But, guess what, my vision of my relaxed state, was not really relaxed at all. I was still overscheduled, stressed out, “in my head” about a lot of things (falling off the horse one of them), and in fight or flight mode. As I have stated in previous blogs, I was numb and really not in touch with my feelings. Well, my horse could feel them ALL. As I tried to get him to move around the arena, I’d get so frustrated. Why wasn’t he doing what I wanted him to do? What was wrong with him? My trainer would keep telling me to relax my body and I just got more frustrated. This WAS my relaxed state. It was the best I could do. And, I really did think that at the time. Now I look back and realize how wrong I really was. My horse was so attuned with my feelings - he knew me better than I knew myself!
Through all the fear I had, I loved my mornings at the barn. I’d walk down the hill to feed the horses, and peace would wash over me. My horse Blue would meet me along the fence as I walked down. He would want pets (and probably food too - he’s so food-motivated like me).
One day I recall sitting in a chair down by the barn. I was having a hard day and I just needed some peace and solace. That was a changing point for me. Maizy, our young Clydsdale horse just stared at me and I felt something. I felt like she “got me” - it was a connection with an animal that I had never experienced before. It was like she saw my pain and was telling me that it was going to be ok. This day changed my life. It was the catalyst for me making changes in my life. I became committed to loving myself again, to being present, and getting out of fight or flight mode.
I am so proud of what I was able to accomplish. I faced my fears around horses, figured out how to access emotions and needs I could never before, and now I love myself.
When I decided to leave my marriage and then moved out, I had lost so much. One of those things was that I had to rehome all our animals. This was incredibly painful and I had to put a wall up in order to be able to survive that reality, and the reality that our 25 year marriage was coming to an end.
Back in December 2023, I stopped riding. It was too hard, too painful, and I couldn’t quiet my emotions. I felt like I had gone back in time.
In June of this year, we had rehomed or moved all our animals except for my horse, Blue. I had a place for him to go and Hunter and I were all set to trailer him to his new home the following day. There was a feeling inside me that made me pause. I got in my car and drove to the ranch - I just had this pull to see Blue - to give him pets - to say goodbye in my own way - alone. As I got out of the car, he again met me by the fence. It was at that moment that I knew I couldn’t rehome him. He had taught me so much - not only was he patient with me as I gave him mixed cues and rode him with a lot of anxiety - but he was a big part of my healing journey.
It was then that I picked up the phone and made plans to keep him. I have no regrets. I had lost so much and I didn’t want to lose him. I don’t know if I will be able to keep him long term. But what I do know is that he is meant to be with me and I have more to learn about myself.
So, that is why this past Tuesday was so meaningful to me. I had those same jitters that I did three years ago. I was full of self-doubt, “Am I capable of riding? Will I fall off? Will I be able to be present and remember that I love myself?” Then I remembered that feeling of riding, of doing it right, how free I felt, how intune I felt with myself, and what I learned about connecting both with myself and others. That’s what motivated me to get back on that horse. That day was messy. I have a lot of work to do to get back to where I was before - both in riding skills, and my own healing. But, for today, I’m just grateful - grateful for what I have learned about myself and grateful for Blue and his patience with me. He hadn’t been ridden in a long time and he and I did pretty well on Tuesday for a team that hadn’t been together in a long time. This is what joy is about and I deserve it.
What I have learned through all of this is that I deserve love - both from myself and others, that it is possible for my life to be in flow if I don’t overthink things, and that I can do hard things. I have a lot of work yet to do but this week, I’m just thankful. Not only did I get past my fear of getting my actual horse Blue, but these are skills that translate to the rest of my life too. Pretty much everything in my life is different than it was a year ago and it requires a lot of bravery.
We all do hard things every day, especially as parents. What are some things that you have done that initially you thought were impossible, mountains that you thought you would never be able to climb? I urge you to spend a moment reflecting on how far you have come and what it took to get there. And, on those hard days, when you think you can’t get back on that horse, that life is too hard, reach out to your support system, find some way to recharge and find solace and determination to move forward. You are worth it.
Lane, you are such a good writer! I always look forward to your posts.