Being a mother to my boys has been the greatest teacher in my life. Through them, I’ve learned the delicate balance between caring for others and supporting them on their own journey to becoming their best selves. It's a dance of providing guidance and space, of being there when needed and stepping back when necessary. In this blog I discuss how I realized that my well-meaning style of trying to do it all was actually not serving our family well. I will discuss the shifts I made in how I parented, how I began to foster self-determination in my kids, and how this ultimately helped me carve out some time for myself. I now have more balance in my life.
I am an only child and growing up I found it easier to connect with adults. And the thought of having a baby of my own scared me to death. How would I know what to do? But then, Conner was born and these fears were (mostly) forgotten. But in place came different fears. How would I keep him safe? How would I manage all of these responsibilities?
Thinking back to this time when Conner was an infant, I was the most amazing multi-tasker. It helped me get past my parenting fears. I would get up super early so I could take the early bus into work, which entailed me nursing Conner before sunrise, and rushing to get myself ready. When I got home, it was a whirlwind of taking care of Conner, cleaning, doing laundry, and hopefully spending some quality time with Todd before my head hit the pillow and I zonked out immediately. This is what every day looked like and I felt so proud of myself that I was doing so well getting my to-do list taken care of.
Then at 6 months of age when we heard the words “Your son is profoundly deaf”, my world crumbled. I had to start working four 10 hour days so I could take Fridays off for speech and occupational therapy appointments. I had so much more to add to my already full plate.
Looking back, I was like a “mama bear” protecting her cub. I was obsessed with protecting him - I can see that now. I thought “no one can care for him better than me”. There was so much to do and I couldn’t let people help me. Family and friends would offer help but I wouldn’t let them. I even pushed Todd away, something that I’m not proud of. I felt that if I accepted help that I would be a failure as a mom. I have no idea where those thoughts came from - maybe it’s because my entire life I felt I needed to be perfect. Being perfect to me in this context meant making parenting look easy to EVERYONE - even when it was so HARD! It meant not even admitting to myself that this was hard stuff. Because even admitting to myself felt like failure. I had so much to be thankful for and so I put on a facade to show my life was perfect in every way.
I went along day by day, living in complete denial that I was drowning. My friends had since stopped asking if I needed help. They had stopped calling to see how I was doing. I don’t blame them. I am sure I wasn’t the most accepting of their offers and I am sure they were tired of my “I’m fine. Everything is great.” answers to the usual “How are you” question. This was such a lie and looking back, I think I was secretly hoping someone would call me on it and say - “are you sure? Let me help you.” But as time went on, it became less and less likely that I’d let anyone help, or that anyone would be there. I had become more and more isolated.
Fast forward to when Dalton was 9 years old, I was at my wits end. My world was crumbling as I realized that I couldn’t do it all. The 4 boys were getting older, their homework was getting harder, their social problems were getting more complex, I was constantly in the car driving one of them somewhere, we were the “hangout house” and that meant we “needed” to have the house perfectly stocked with teen friendly treats at all times. On top of all of this, Dalton was in tears each afternoon when he got home from school. Every mention of homework put him into tears. And, I didn’t know how to help him. All of this on top of Conner’s eyesight really declining.
To keep this perfect symphony going all these years I made all the decisions for the kids - what they would wear, what they would eat, etc. It was the only way I could get 4 boys out of the house each morning AND the only way for me to keep my sanity. At the time, I felt pretty good about things. For the most part, the kids would all get out of the house on time and my to-do list was getting checked off each day. Life had seemed great, until it wasn’t. I was obviously under a rock somewhere, in denial.
I had started my PhD program where I learned about self-advocacy and self-determination and the importance of fostering it in our children. Wow! This was a major wake up call for me. The kids had self-advocacy goals on their IEP but I had never heard of self-determination before. As I read about how fostering self-determination for children who are deafblind or have other disabilities is vital, I felt like a failure. I thought I was doing the right thing all these years but instead I was fostering learned helplessness (the opposite of self-determination). No wonder I was exhausted. The light bulb came on - the more I did for the kids, the more they relied on me for more and more. I thought it was enough to foster self-advocacy and I remember being so proud that they could explain their deafness and cochlear implants to others. On top of everything else that I needed to do, I took on so much that they should have been doing themselves. Something had to change.
As I’ve stated in my previous blogs in 2022 (see links below), I was completely burnt out, exhausted. I had no more to give. I could no longer put on a happy face and pretend my life was perfect, without a major impact on my well-being.
You can read in my past blogs about the exact steps I took to make drastic shifts but it came down to this - I stopped making every decision for them and started teaching them how to advocate and make decisions for themselves. Let me tell you - this was easier said than done. Once you’ve gotten into a certain habit, it’s hard to make changes. I heard it all. “Why do I have to read my IEP and understand it? Why do I need to go to my IEP and advocate for myself - why can’t you do it? Why can’t you go to the store and get things for me, when they were highly capable of doing it themselves? Why are you instigating a “no homework or help from mom after 8 pm rule (unless a dire emergency - like someone is ill)”, “This is so boring”, and just “Why, why why”.
These changes took years to implement. But I carried on. I knew that this was going to be the only way to get some semblance of balance back in my life. It took about 5 years before I felt like these changes were finally paying off.
In 2022, I started to finally have some capacity to turn my focus inwards. In order to feel more balanced, I had to first understand my own needs and limitations. I set out on a journey toward self-reflection. This led me to realize the weight I felt and the pain of trying to do it all. It took a toll on me, and I realized that in order to be the best mother, I needed to allow myself to be cared for as well. This had to begin with loving myself - caring enough about my wellbeing to put myself first.
I’ve written recently about my struggles to find time for myself - for self-reflection, doctor appointments, mindfulness, etc. I’m so grateful I did not give up.
By nurturing myself, I found the energy and patience to support my boys without losing myself in the process. This journey has taught me the importance of self-love and self-care. It’s about being present for my children while also honoring my own needs and aspirations. Together, we grow, learn, and support each other in this beautiful journey of life.
This is all about balance. Sometimes I look back and I’m frustrated about how long it took me to arrive at this place. But, that’s the way it needed to be. I could have never carved out time for myself if I hadn’t made changes in how I parented - and those changes took time.
I’m grateful that I have more balance in my life now than I did before. It really is an art - how to balance caring for yourself and caring for others - how to get it all done without losing yourself along the way. I still struggle, especially with asking for and accepting help. That’s my focus for 2024 - and it’s hard. But I know deep down that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a step towards strength. I’ll get there - one day at a time.
Thank you for reading. If you are interested in learning more about my journey towards self-advocacy and self-determination, please view the links below. If you have any questions about my past research in this area, please reach out. I hope you found something in this blog that resonated with you. Perhaps you can relate to my crazy times when I would do anything to get all my kids in the car so we weren’t late to school. As caregivers, we all have our own struggles with finding balance, how to carve out time for ourselves, how to hold it all together, and how to ask for help and find your support system. If you ever had days like I did, where by the time you got to work or back home from dropping your kids off, you are in tears, just know you aren’t alone.
Additional resources:
My 2022 blog about my journey to fostering self-advocacy and self-determination for my children. This includes a link to a literature review I did on this topic. https://www.laneofinquiry.org/blog/help-students-reach-new-heights-through-self-advocacy
My 2022 synthesis of a research study I conducted on self-determination for young children with sensory loss. This includes an intro by me explaining why I thought this was an important to research and how exhausted I was trying to “do it all”. https://www.laneofinquiry.org/blog/research-synthesis-the-benefits-of-teaching-self-determination-skills-to-very-young-students-with-sensory-loss
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